THE LAST LETTER

To,

The best thing in my life,

So its 10 a.m. I get up , and I have a look at my cell besides me…5 new messages…what comes in my mind first??...a hope…or say a silent prayer…” god atleast one of  these messages should b hers”…so I close my eyes…open d inbox…what do I get?....well since its not a film story but a real one…we all know d answer to dis question which with each passing day becomes more and more rhetoric….so dats 1 of d million disappointments which I face daily…and I giv a painful sigh above…and I curl my lips inside and I get up from d bed but with a prayer that

 “Dear God, today’s a new day, new hope, do something please, I beg you to not to turn a deaf ear to these prayers, to these tears, to these hopes, to these cravings, show me some light…please, pray for me”

And I start my usual chores….

I call my mom saying that u hav put less sugar in the tea….and that’s exactly the first name I gave u….SUGAH…dats d 1st nostalgic feeling.

I eat the first spoon of my breakfast and what do I recall?...I recall the promise that we made with each other that… “ when v start staying together the first spoon of every meal , we shall feed to each other” and I recall that once we did d same at our lunch…what follows is nothing but the taste of pain…tears rolling and I cant swallow anything as my throat is heavy…yes and that’s what makes me wonder….filled are my eyes but heavy is my throat !!…

And that’s exactly where the race begins….yes…a race between me and the clock….each passing by second challenges me with your memories and I try hard not to cry…not to feel worse…I try to defeat that clock by again again looking at my cell hoping at least sometime u will msg or cal…and I will get that one damn moment of solace in the hell which I m daily living in…or shud I say dying in……but…I loose everyday….the sound of every second tick seems to me like the triumph of time over my misery.

I was sitting besides my mom, she asked me not to leave this city for the job as she will not feel good without me…and that’s what once you had asked me…and again it reminds me of u…what do I do next??...i hold my mom’s hand…tightly…and imagine you besides me…and I say her the same words which I said u…”I don’t want to go, I don’t wana leave you, you are my love, you are my life, you are every breathe I take, how can I leav my drug??...just pray I get the job in this very city”

And that’s the only moment I win over Time…cuz when I hold her, it feels I have held u

You once told me that you keep getting a feeling that you will die early…I felt like slapping you…but I ddnt, instead since that day even till dis very second I pray to ask God for that one promise…that if at all I have to die…I should die before 2 people – my mom, and second is YOU and

I wanted to trade my age with yours even if my death was written just one day after you…yes…I couldn’t imagine living without you even for a single day !!

And speaking about these days…wel to say the least…I am always in a state of dillusion…I am literally torn apart between the fights that keep going inside me…between the fight that I daily have with God…I cant differentiate between what’s reality and what is fake…it feels as if the whole universe is conspiring against me…And every day, like the day before, I wake up, wash my face, look myself in the mirror, disgusted….disgusted because when I look in the mirror, I know I’m looking at someone who isn’t sure he deserves to be loved at all…I feel that I have lost the ‘reason’…yeah…the reason I was living for….the reason I was fighting for….fighting with the bad person inside me.

I do not understand for whom I should now write poems for?…click the pictures of flowers and tag whom?...for whom should I sit up late at night and imagine what wil I say tomorrow…with whom should I discuss the fascinations of future…for whom should I now make drafts and delete them before sending cuz I think the words in that aren’t as impacting as they should be,,,jus 1 question….for whom??

Loneliness…yes I do remember her name….she was my companion until u came into my life…I remember telling u dat I love living alone cuz I didn’t want any relations in life as I was hurt by them once before…but u promised me a dream…that with you its not gonna b d same…and we flew…into the skies of passion…but due to some bad circumstances we fell…and none of us was strong enuf to support each oder...but u know one thing…. I still have faith…I stil hav a hope….cuz mor dan trustin u or myself…I trusted our relation…and I felt we shall survive even dis but it seems your trust has lost…AND since u hav gone…I sometimes tried to go back to my old companion…loneliness….but unfortunately even she refused me….she said to me I can never come to u again….not because I don’t want to…but bcuz u r still living with HER memories…I go to dose who hav no one…but U…U stil have her…not with you but IN YOU….yes….IN YOU !!

But I will never say anything bad about u…cuz its because of u dat I hav changed….yes…I was a bad person before and also at the time when I was with u…u always used to tell me that  ONE DAY MY LOVE WIL CHANGE U….well I agree…u wer right…ur love has changed me….ITS ABSENCE HAS CHANGED ME…it has made me a better person…a person who now realises d value of relations…d value of LOVE and LOVED ONES in life…but the irony is…now that I am a changed person….and I love you more than I have ever did to anyone….including you !...yes you wont believe but ur absence has made me realise how much I truly valued u…loved u…was mad for u…but alas I cud never express…cuz I myself ddnt know…

So that’s the joke of life…When I was bad…you loved me…when I m good  u refuse to comeback  :`((

I enter the movie hall and I imagine you besides me holding my fingers and we both dreaming that one day..all that’s happenin on screen shal manifest in our lives…

I see a mother walkin with her small baby and all I can recall is your promise that one day we shall have a baby cuter than dis…

I see a girl restin on a guy’s chest and I recall you telling me the sound of my heartbeats….

I cry alone at nights and I recall the day when once you wer cryin I hugged you cuz u were afraid of loosing me…

So the biggest worry of my life is that….what all should I avoid so that I don’t MISS you…cuz everythin has YOU in it…and most of all…how should I avoid THOUGHTS

I do wonder sometimes….about the question that

‘ What was bigger?...the misunderstanding that we had….or the relation?? ‘

for all I can answer is that…I ddnt give you my heart…but I gave you my soul and I took yours…but I guess somewhere between the sands of time…you have lost mine….but I…I still have your soul preserved

You always asked me nah that why do I become silent the moment I touch you…I hold your hand??

Well…that’s because those moments I touched you…I got my soul back for sometime…I felt alive….i used to b silent as I wanted to breathe enough…I wanted to take enough soul back from you so that I can survive till the next time we meet…I wanted to capture that moment and inside me only one prayer went on and on….”this is one of the rarest moments my lord that I’ve felt alive…please don’t take away her from me….and if the rest of my life has to be spent with her…that REST should begin now !”

People do tell me that even if you comeback…things wont be the same….well your positivity inside me has an aswer for this….and the answer is nothing but a question :

“ Who wants things like before??????”

If being like before led us to a breakup…who wants that?...cant we be better?....cant we love each other more?....knowing the fact that without each other we are incomplete…I m not sure but sumwhere even u need me…even u miss me…but the question is…what is more important for you…the relation?...or the unfortunate wrong things that happened btwn us…which both of us know…were nothing infront of the love we had…and the love I still HAVE…mistakes we both made…but for me you were always and still are the person…to whom I will give NUMEROUS 2nd chances…I just ask you to give me that one last chance….no wait….i ask you to giv US that one last chance….to redream…to relive…to reborn !

If you think I was unhappy with you…then all I can say is that I am nothing without you…and I don’t want that happiness which has no YOU in it

And today no doubt I do smile seldom…I do laugh seldom…but all that seems incomplete as I cannot share with you…I feel as if I m wearing a mask…as if its sinful to be happy without u

I am not perfect….Heaven knows it….but I love you…Heaven knows it

I tell people : Don’t ask me how many days I hav lived without you…..ask me how many days I hav died….cuz der was NO YOU

People tell me to have patience…that oneday you wil realise me…that oneday you will realise that though I ddnt dedicate you songs….BUT I MEANT DEM…

I SHOUT AT DOSE PEOPLE AND ASK THEM ONE SIMPLE QUESTION :

HOW MUCH LONG CAN U WAIT IF YOU DON’T GET OXYGEN????

HOW MUCH LONG CAN U WAIT IF U DON’T GET UR DRUG???

THEY NEVER REPLY !!

I wana clarify that…everytym we fought…and I was angry….dat anger…was the anger of a child….whu dsnt get attention from her mom…and wants his/her mom to persuade them….and not a single time I thought to leave you….trust me on this atleast….i was yours…I am yours…I cant even think of leaving you…and neither did I ever think…anger and all…is nothing infront of love…and I love you

I have lost enough…I don’t wana loose you….cuz its all what I had….its all what I was living for….and I m TRUE

I remember that when we started this relations I made 3 promises :

1. You shall be my 1st priority…..which I fulfilled each day

2. I shall never leave you….which I am still fulfilling

and the most important ONE was :

3. I shall die for you……yes……

I am fulfilling even this promise because The moment I let you go was the moment I stopped living…and without you each day I am dying…..and so the 3rd promise too I am fulfilling by letting you go

Yesterday I asked for YOU from LIFE but today Life asks for YOU so that she can comeback the moment YOU do

The question remains that….are we gonna LET history repeat?,,,,are we gona show to the world that our love was so weak?.....are we gonna break hearts…are we gonna show that wrong things WON…over our love?

            -----------------------------------------------------------OR-----------------------------------------------------

We gonna love again….we gonna live again….we gona try again…..yes…try until we succeed….we gonna support each other again….we gonna crawl….we gonna walk….we gonna run….we gonna fly….

If you fall….i help u…if I fall…..u help me….and show GOD….and this world….that yes….this is true love….where no matter what comes….we not gonna leav…we not gonna give up….we trust GOD….and we shall RISE

I have made my choice……its your turn…..

(we love a baby…we never leav him if he fails…if he falls while learnin to walk…we support him….we know dat he’s ours….and he’s true….thats love !)

P.S. Please do comeback….jaldi……forever !

(if u hav red the letter completely...pls do reply WHAT WUD U HAV DUN IF SOMEONE WROTE THIS LETTER TO U....)

i wish u culd undrstand wat u mean to me.....

I m falling for u........

Each time I hear your voice

I can't help it

Its not my choice

My heart beats faster

My knees get weak

My stomach gets butterflies

I can hardly speak

Everytimes feels brand new

I can't help it

I'm falling for you

People always ask me why I like him

But its okay, bcoz if everyone knew They would like him too

Its so much easier to just say I don't like him

Then to have to explain why I do

Ur smile, It gets me everytime I see you I don't really know where this is gonna go

But its like i m floating in space

If he catches me looking at him, Least you know he was looking at you

You can love anyone one in the world..The problem is, so cant he

There's something about him no one else can see

It makes me go crazy when he looks at me

No one knows why I feel the way I do

But baby its because I'm in love with you

Everytime he smiles, I wanna cry

Knowin I can be, the sparkle in his eye

I dunno what to do

I dunno what to say

Its tuff being lonely

Every freaking day

How can you be friends with someone if everytime you see him it makes you want them more?

Cant fall alseep tonight,I dunno what to do

I hold my pillow tight, But I wanna be holding you

When I close my eyes

I will see your face

Ur a part of me

No one can replace!!  

Sochti hu main..

Sochti hu main.. by Confused <3 heart

Kabhi-kabhi u sochti hu main,

U apnai dil ko kharochti hu main,

dard hokar b majbur q hu main,

Sahi - galat sab sai dur q hu main..

jaanai-Anjanai mai kuch aisa ho gaya,

Koi paraya sai apna ban gaya,

Uskai dur janai ka gum na raha,

Bus apnai kho janai par kuch mehsus kiya,

Ek ajib sa ehsas hai..koi dur rehkar b q itna pass hai,

Chup hokar shor ko mehsus kiya,

Anjanai mai dil ko khush kiya,

Ankh band thi fir b woh dikh gaye,

kuch ajib si baat hui hum thum gaye..

Laga jaisai woh mil gaye..

Aankh khuli aur khayal aaya, bina sochai samjai humai na janai un par kaha sai itna pyaar aya!

Samajna b hua mushkil jab raat ne jama li apni mehfil..

Aae khuda yeh kaisa junun aya mujhai dard ho raha par mujhai un par pyaar aya!

(Koi bhi mistake hooo tho bas maaf kar dena )

Incomplete pain of love....

I wish ..... Incomplete pain of love ....Its kind off incomplete..i felt yet js wrote it <3  :-) 

Nt much 2 say,nt much 2 hear,i js feel I want sum beer, 
Loosing u was nt ma fear, bt,nt having u hurt me n nw its paining here, :'( <3
Evrytime I close ma eyes..i culd c u in ma dream, 
u Holding ma hands n I feel as if I am eating a chocolate icecream, 
I wish it wasnt js a dream n sumthng dat culd last 4 long,sumthng dat wuld make me feel gud n js nuthing go wrong,bt I guess it has to end dis way n I knw em really gona miss dis feeling..n Js could c u again in ma dreams when I wil b sleeping! 
Do u knw I couldnt sleep since last n9t, :(
If i js got sum chance den I culd fight.. 
Y is falling so easy.. yet difficult to act wise.. 
wil I gt another love-shot..bt,nw em so caught! 
i Cnt speak much, 
cn still feel ma heart <3 n d way u touch.. 
i knw I wuld b alright..still I feel so tight.. 
sumthng is still holding me..i wish it ws js u n me! ;) :)
i wish it didnt had 2 end dis way, 
coz nw I feel so gray.. 
Evrythng seam 2 have fade away.. 
Is this js a feeling or pain of lossing.. 
sumthng whch ws nvr meant 2 b mine or should I keep some hope n js keep trying!